Is this inner peace?

The move to New Orleans was completed last year, and for the first time in years, I did not have to worry, think about, or plan for anything that involves my living situation. Not because I was homeless or anything, but rather, because I probably moved too often: San Francisco to Seattle, Seattle to Portland,

Portland to Reno, and then Reno to New Orleans. Why so many moves one may wonder? Well, SF to Seattle was because I was unable to secure a job in SF and applied and obtained a job in Seattle. Seattle to Portland was because I wanted to move back to Porltand. That move started off rocky; however, I was able to get a job with my present company which has allowed me to wonder the country trying to find my “place” in the world. So now I find myself relaxing in the new place, Cher playing in the background, of course. The multitude of boxes that my belongings had been stored in for months have been broken down and are stowed in the shed outback, I might need them again. My furniture, paintings, and other assorted belongings have been positioned throughout the apartment providing that ideal, quaint, homy environment that I’ve always longed for. With all this finally being accomplished, I’m finally able to sit and relax, and absorb everything around me. A feeling of contentment slowly washes over me. Perhaps for the first time in years. This is a strange feeling, and quite frankly, I’m not sure what to call it or what to do with it. Is this feeling something that might be called . . . inner peace?

               This inner peace thing is a foreign concept. I’ve never experienced this feeling, emotion, state of being, before. Which of course thing brings up the question of what actually is this “inner piece thing? Is it a state of being? Is it an emotion? Or is it a feeling, that like happiness, exists for a brief moment and then disappears? Or unlike happiness, does it stay around longer?  All important questions and thoughts to have. After a bit of introspection, the more appropriate statement, especially from my perspective, is I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to experience this feeling/state of being, hence the reason why it’s a foreign concept for me. I’ve heard people talk about it. I’ve witnessed people who say they have finally reached this point in their lives, but for me, it’s always been something that has seemed out of reach. Something I was never entitled to. It always appeared to be something that has been out of my reach. Having always felt this way, I do find myself asking this question: is this strange thing called inner peace? How long does it last? What happens when it goes away? What happens to a person when they finally obtain this blissful state of being? Does the fact that I think I’ve finally achieved it mean I’ve finally matured as a person? Or does it simply mean that for the moment, I’ve reached a point where I can finally say that my life is okay?

               As I contemplate these feelings and all that they might mean, I take a moment to make an inventory of my life to see exactly where I’m at, metaphorically speaking.  Sure, I’ve got problems, but who doesn’t. Some of these problems are real, like trying to figure out if I’m going to pay off my car, coming up with a hurricane evacuation plan if it’ needed, and of course the multitude of other normal life stresses. Then of course there are the other “problems” we make ourselves. These problems we create because our minds don’t like to be idle, well mine doesn’t, so it comes up with issues and situations that were never real problems to begin with; why haven’t I heard from my friends, what did they mean when they said that thing the other day, or my yearning to be wanted and part of a community? So yes, I have problems, some real and some manifested. These may be my problems, but there have been good things in life as well. I’m in therapy to help deal with these issues. My book came out, which is a major achievement. And I moved to a new city, ready to explore and embrace life. I’m slowly easing up on my angst when plans change, I’m becoming, what is the word, flexible. (sort of). Therapy is helping me work through the old childhood issues, and I’m building a great circle of friends. I have an active social life, and I’m constantly meeting new people and going to parties, theater events, and other assorted activities.

So, as I sit here and take in my surroundings, and absorb the fact that there are no external pressures on my life, that maybe, just maybe I should enjoy this feeling of contentment. I should stop questioning these feelings and state of being, and I could just sit in this moment, and enjoy these feelings. After all, what is the worst thing that could happen? I could enjoy this moment and state of being? How foreign!