A New Journey

Life is a series of events and experiences that when strung together shape who we become as a person. Some events take us to extreme highs, while others take us to extreme lows. Some force us to evaluate who we are, what we want, and what is important to us. Others can cause us to change how we view the world, our friends, our family, and ourselves. Then there are those events that push us to reach deep within ourselves to find an inner strength we didn’t know existed to survive. It’s these experiences that ultimately shape who we eventually become as they force us to stop, refocus, and rebuild to move forward. When we emerge from our self-imposed “bubble” of sorts, we do so as a different version of ourselves ready to embark on new adventures and embrace the unknown.

My reboot comes after a long battle with depression. Yes, you read that correctly, I mentioned the “D” word, and not the fun “D” word. This “D” word causes people to run in fear as this “D” word is something people don’t like to talk about: yes depression! This malaise is something that society wants to pretend doesn’t exist; however, most people suffer from this ailment in some form or another. For me, this malady began when I was in high school, some forty years ago. Being gay in a small town with no support group, and constantly being ostracized because of my special ability to accessorize, the perfect scenario existed for the dark cloud of nothingness to ascend upon me, where it stayed for years, and years, and years. It was only within the last few years that I had had enough of being surrounded by gloom that I finally unearthed the strength and determination to kick this monster’s butt to the curb. I had my fill of suffering through mood swings, insecurity and minimal to no self-confidence. My life was on autopilot; I’d get up, I’d go to work, go to the gym, cook dinner and repeat. Day in, and day out. I was numb, hoping to make it from one day to the next.

Knowing I needed a reboot, otherwise I probably wouldn’t be here today, I began with one important question in mind: “what did I want?” The answer, or answers, were simple ones: to silence the voices in my head that kept telling me I was nothing, to believe in myself, but more importantly, to be happy. (Whatever that means.) With those goals in mind, I began the hard work of analyzing my life and rewiring my thinking process, which is no easy task to accomplish. I had to take an honest look inwards, I had to review my behavior, my feelings, my thoughts, how I processed events, and most importantly, how I viewed myself. I had to confront, analyze, and deal with the triggers from my past. As I did, I soon discovered more and more trauma that had been buried as it was easier to bury and forget them than to deal with them. (This self-introspection has become something I’m rather good at.) In time, okay, years, I eventually worked through, sorted out, and am still shifting through items, but I began to rebuild myself from the ground up. I had to change my perspective on every aspect of my life. Instead of looking at the negative, I started looking at the positive. I looked at what I had accomplished. I started to acknowledge my friends for who they were: people who had my back. People who cared for me and wanted the best for me, if they didn’t, well, they also found themselves kicked to the curb.

As I enter my sixth year of this rebuilding process I’m beginning to wonder if it ever ends! I’m starting to think it doesn’t, but that’s not a bad thing. New events have happened, a new job was found that led me down a new path, life evolves, which of course leads to new personal growth. Slowly, I’m becoming who I want to be. Sure, I’ve had setbacks, I’ve stumbled, I’ve gotten sidetracked and distracted several times, but I still haven’t reached my goal of being happy, so I get myself back on track and continue. The reboot has allowed me to grow, to develop, and has given me the strength to begin a new adventure, but I do so with trepidation: am I ready to reenter the world and be social again? I think I’m ready, I feel I’m ready to mingle with others, however, my apprehension arises from the inevitable heart break and disappointment that will no doubt be around every corner and social interaction, which is the very reason I retreated in the first place. Being an overly sensitive person full of self-doubt and high anxiety when it comes to dealing with others, I’m constantly thinking: am I good enough? Do they like me? I shouldn’t have said that, etc., etc. The questions, concerns and fears never cease; however, my mind listening to them has. (Well, it doesn’t listen as often anymore, but occasionally it does.)  Since I haven’t achieved my goal yet, of being happy, or at least content, I have no choice but to continue moving forward and joining society once again. (I know I have a choice, I could retreat, but I would be letting myself down, and I won’t do that as that would mean the voices won, and they can’t win!) As I reenter the world, I do so as a different person, one who is much stronger, slightly more secure with myself, and one who is an ever-evolving individual. I’m taking risks. I’m challenging myself. I’m trying new things. While I know heartbreak/ache will happen, I’m not giving up. I’m embracing this new adventure. I’m learning to enjoy myself and what life has to bring me. After all I’m the one who started it, so I might as well enjoy what I set out to do. To be myself, and continue to discover who I am.